The place was so crowded, full of people here and there. They were intriguing by all the experiments, presentations, and shows. People was discussing about how amazing Galileo was, how stunning Copernicus to know that the earth revolve around the sun, and how E=mc^2 can change the entire world. Yes, you're right...welcome, to the science fair.
In
the science fair, I see nothing; "literally" nothing (from my five senses), but
people crowded here and there. They were like schools of fish that were caught
inside the net, trying to escape. The place was divided into multifarious sections:
experimenting section, presenting sections, and other sections, which were way
much more than I can observe for whole day.
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| credit: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/2967374/England-is-most-crowded-country-in-Europe.html |
Due
to the fact that science is not so appealing to me, I went down to the food
court to find something to eat. Guess what. It's even worse. The place is
filling up like a night concert that Lady Gaga came (and trust me, I've been
there...you wouldn't like the crowded people as much as the songs). Above the
smell of the fries, tomatoes, potatoes – and all the foods you can name it,
drifted the smell of sweats – musty, moldy, muggy – smelling like my dear old
Mutt's feet. I saw people, tons of them queuing up, making them look like
prisoners lining up to get their food. Some of the people waited
patiently, but some (who are unabashed and brazen), just barge in. Noises of people
talking and laughing, strident utensils clanging—well, it’s just "noises" from everywhere
pass through the air, right into my ears, and running through my nerves. “I
can’t stand this anymore. I need peace and tranquility.” I thought to myself.
Wandering
from restaurants, to restaurants, I found a perfect one, without people lining
up. Feral (due to hunger) and fatigued, I ordered the food without even
caring what it was. Now at this moment, I knew that I could just devour an
entire whale!
 |
| credit: http://sarcasti-nation.blogspot.com/ |
After finishing my food, my tummy was fulfilled, which made me satiate. Then, I
checked the clock. It’s 12:45pm. Thank God. The school bus is leaving at
1:00pm. With gratification, I excitedly paced myself to the bus. Well, I knew that I
suffered so much today. But...I also knew that I wouldn’t be suffering
anymore; I’m going home!
Great story! I totally feel the pain of being in crowds. Since I was also there I know how crowded it was. I don't know if a person who haven't been there would know how the crowded is, since not everyone went to Lady Gaga's concert. Keep up with the good work, though.
ReplyDelete-Tanat Boozayaangool Period 1
Well, yeah...I know that not everyone had gone to Lady Gaga's concert. But consider how famous she was, people would know. Moreover, I didn't compare the crowd only to Gaga's concert, but also the school of fish and other stuffs. And I added the Gaga part to be a bit sarcastic... anyways, thanks for your comment Tanat, I'll sure improve my essay next time :)
DeleteI can feel honesty coming through those words! Really clear description on the "Mutt's Feet Smell" section. Well, I have a little comment on grammar. Do not capitalize all the letters to show the exciting mood or to intensify the story. A simple exclamation mark is good enough, or an interrobang will also do, "?!" Also, if you want you suggest something or give more description to a noun, use appositives. If you want to introduce something use semicolons or colons to serve its purposes. Do not stress the lethargic mood of the story by over using ellipses, '...', it's more like a journal otherwise. Overall it's good, I like how you describe the crown and the food. The smell just kicked my nose, and I feel, as I read, that I've been there once again ! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anucha, for being frank and straightforward! Your comment had helped me a lot.:)
DeleteI'm not going to comment using unusual vocabulary words like Mr. Anucha (the above comment), so this is going to be a simple one. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with what Mr. Anucha said. It's pretty much what I wanted to say. But I would also like to add is that you should use more transition words/phrases such as "next", "after a while", "then" to make the flow of the story smoother. And reduce the ellipses, like what Mr. Anucha said.
Overall, good job :D
Ahahaha, you're so rude to Anucha~~ Anyways, thanks for your comment about grammar. I have to learn a lot from you too... xD
DeleteLove how you link crowded place to the school of fish and Lady Gaga concert. By reading this even people that didn't go to the fair would understand how crowded it was. Really like how you described the feet smell of those people. Very great writing, really enjoyed reading it. Keep it up!
ReplyDelete- Apiwat Narkhan period 8
Thank you, Tar! I'm *flattered*... xD
DeleteGreat job, Memi! I honestly giggled while reading this enjoyable and fun writing you wrote. I can feel those emotions you had, struggling through the crowd of people, "surviving" to eat. You were so hungry you can even eat a whale at that time xD this is interesting, and I like how you described certain words in that situation. Keep on creating such interesting writing! :)
ReplyDelete-Regina Hutagalung P8
Knowing that a person whom I respected complimented me, I felt so gratified... *flattered* Thank you master Regina! I have to learn more from you too! :D
DeleteI think you described the crowds pretty accurately, and it was pretty easy to visualize. However, you did use some words incorrectly, for instance the word "literally". (I'm a sucker for accuracy :P) You also described your feelings though, how you didn't really enjoy it, yet had to endure. Great descriptions, great job! Keep it up Memi =w=b
ReplyDelete-Julianne Youngberg P1
Thank you Julianne! :)
DeleteI absolutely loved how you described the crowds and hordes of people like schools of fish. Reading the first paragraph, I assumed that you were a bit sarcastic describing one of Thailand's "biggest" science fair. Great piece of writing!
ReplyDelete-Chayanat V. P8
hahahahaah! Do you feel that too? Thailand's "biggest" science fair... xD Anyways, thanks for your comment, bruh!
DeleteI love the some descriptions you used.. I could feel that you were being quite honest, and I feel like everyone felt the same about the Bitec Science Fair.. However, I think your writing is not very observative even though it is a observation report.. Instead of writing what you did, why dont you write more on what you've seen?? Anyways it is a great work, and I enjoyed reading!!
ReplyDelete-Sohyun S. (Period 1)
I'll improve myself. Thank you for giving me advice! And thanks for the compliment, too. :)
Delete